Re: Prospects for the Carlsen – Karjakin Match
This would make a great Saturday Night Live skit. Alex Baldwin and Kate McKinnon playing Donald and Hillary. Perhaps pre-match, Karjakin (being Russian) would be favoring Trump and Carlsen (just to make it interesting) would favor Hillary. So here's how it could go....
Trump : (whispering) I understand we must be very quiet during this game, so I'm talking in my quiet voice. Baby Trump.
Clinton : Well, I just--
Trump : Excuse me! My turn! It's my guy thinking at the board, so I get to talk. My guy is thinking about how to Make Russia Great Again in chess, just like I'm about to Make America Great Again in nuclear war. And yes, there will be casualties, because I don't like people who get captured, ok? Just so you understand. I don't even like this game chess. Pieces get captured, reminds me of McCain. Not a hero, by the way. And if my guy loses this game, just putting it out there, this match is RIGGED. I may not accept the match results. I will keep you in suspense.
(Karjakin moves, Carlsen is now thinking)
Trump : I'm ahead! We're winning, folks, we're winning.
Clinton : Well... let's look at the facts. We're in the fog of war, so anything can happen. That last move was a response to a movie that was made, but I'm going to lean over to Chelsea sitting here beside me and whisper in her ear that it was actually an act of terrorism. That way I have a public position and a private position. (Leans over and whispers to Chelsea, who looks shocked.) Ok, now I'm going to get on my Blackberry and send an email about the move that was just made. Yes, I know we signed an agreement with the chess organizers just before coming in here that only they can transmit the moves of the game... (starts typing on her Blackberry... as she types, she looks up at the camera) ...but since nothing is marked classified at the time I am sending it, the FBI will not prosecute.... (looks with puzzlement at her Blackberry) ... Huh, I wonder what that big letter "C" means? (Puts her Blackberry away) Ok, I just wanted to mention off the top that we are watching two men playing for the world chess championship, and that there is a separate womens world chess championship for which the prizes are much, much less. I will fight for legislation that rewards the women equally for doing equal work!
Trump : (turns to the man next to him, Billy Bush) Speaking of women, Billy, where are the cheerleaders? This is like watching paint dry. Where's the scantily clad women for me to grope after the game? (He looks up at the seat above Bush and sees Rosie O'Donnell.) Not my first choice, believe me! I don't think so!
(Suddenly Trump realizes he has been heard)
Trump : It figures, they trick me into thinking the mic is not working. (Takes a deep, sniffling breath) This is the left-wing media, folks! (sniffle) This is what they do!
(Carlsen moves)
Trump : What a loser move. What is this, the Sicilian Surrender? Very passive, you can tell our opponent is a socialist. (He starts acting like a disabled man) "Agh, what do I do now? I don't remember!"
(Suddenly there is a flurry of quick moves, ending with Carlsen stopping to think)
Clinton : Actually, Donald, we have taken the game into a Kings Indian Defense, a very aggressive line for our side. This is very much like when I was in the Operations Room serving coffee-- er, I mean, helping make decisions as our special forces were closing in on.... (the following words are spoken with great flourish) "Osaaaaaaaaammmmaaaa...... binnnnnnn...... Laaaaaaaaaaaden!"
Trump : Shouldn't that be the 'Secretary of State's Libyan Defense'? As in no defense at all?
(Carlsen moves, and Karjakin replies right away, capturing a Black piece)
Trump : Look at that, African-Americans, another brother murdered. What's she doing, folks? What has she been doing for the last 30 years? Your chess army is in a shambles, you have no hope, no jobs, no education... why not give me a chance? What the hell have you got to lose?
(The chess game is briefly interrupted by a contingent of Black Lives Matter protestors, protesting the death of the defenceless black Pawn at the hands of a White Knight. Symbolism!)
Clinton : I promise we'll get to the bottom if this, but this wouldn't be happening if DONALD TRUMP HAD BEEN--
Trump : Wrong.
Clinton : PAYING FEDERAL--
Trump : Wrong.
Clinton : INCOME TAX--
Trump : Wrong.
Clinton : FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS!
Trump : It would have been squandered, folks.
Clinton : You mean, like on a fake University with a Master of Sucker degree? Or maybe on hotels for the ultra-wealthy, built with CHINESE STEEL and using UNDOCUMENTED WORKERS?
Trump : That makes me smart. In fact, I know more than the generals fighting ISIS. I'll even say I know more about winning in chess than Magnus Carlsen. It's what I do. I win. I can teach anyone about winning, believe me.
Clinton : Well.... we'd all like to see your plan for ISIS, and see you play the rest of this chess game against Magnus. But you don't HAVE a plan!
Trump : The first thing is to make sure all our pieces have pieces. That's guns, folks. She wants to eradicate the 2nd amendment, take everyone's guns away. My administration is going to put an AK-47 in every home and in every student's backpack. It would have been a different story in France if those concert-goers had all had guns, believe me.
(Magnus makes his reply, announcing check.)
Clinton : Well.... you just heard Magnus say "check", and that's what my plan involves. I'm a supporter of the 2nd amendment, but we do need background "checks", Donald.
Trump : They should have checked your background, and if they did it properly, you'd be IN JAIL! Everything from your Foundation's pay for play to your deleted emails to your dealings with the women your husband abused--
Clinton : What's the count on the number of women YOU abused?
Trump : It never happened... never happened. After the election those liars are going to be sued. And I'm going to have a special prosecutor go after you. We're going to bring back law and order.
Clinton : I've apologized for the private email server, I would not do it again, the FBI found no evidence of wrongdoing and I survived 11 hours of grilling over Benghazi. So Donald, you don't scare--
(There is a controversy on the chess board as Karjakin touches a piece, lets it go, then attempts to move another piece.)
Clinton : You see, people, right there is evidence of how dangerous Donald would be. We can't allow his finger on the nuclear button! There's no "j'adoube" when it comes to nuclear weapons!
Trump : J'adoube? What is that? My hair is REAL, if it's about that.
Clinton : Yes, Donald, everything's about you. I don't doubt your hair is real, it's what's between your ears I wonder about. (Big smile, starts her trademark cackling laughter.)
(Audience applauds)
Trump : You should be ashamed what you did to Bernie Sanders. What they just did there in the chess, making him move that piece he touched, that's what you did to Bernie. You made him sign a deal with the devil.
Clinton : Maybe you should ask Bernie why he's supporting me in this election, and calls you the most dangerous candidate in modern history.
(At the chess board, Carlsen looks almost sick as he struggles to find a winning plan. He fidgets and squirms in his chair.)
Trump : Looks like your guy just found out his new Obamacare premium.
Clinton : Actually Donald, what he just found out is how big the U.S. deficit is going to be under your tax plan.
(The chess game ends as the two players shake hands, having agreed on a 12-move draw.)
(Clinton and Trump rise from their seats, glaring at each other. The Trump family comes up to Donald, and he turns and hugs each of them in turn, while Bill and Chelsea Clinton approach Hillary and get hugs from her. Then they all turn to the camera, and say in unison: "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!")
Originally posted by Wayne Komer
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This would make a great Saturday Night Live skit. Alex Baldwin and Kate McKinnon playing Donald and Hillary. Perhaps pre-match, Karjakin (being Russian) would be favoring Trump and Carlsen (just to make it interesting) would favor Hillary. So here's how it could go....
Trump : (whispering) I understand we must be very quiet during this game, so I'm talking in my quiet voice. Baby Trump.
Clinton : Well, I just--
Trump : Excuse me! My turn! It's my guy thinking at the board, so I get to talk. My guy is thinking about how to Make Russia Great Again in chess, just like I'm about to Make America Great Again in nuclear war. And yes, there will be casualties, because I don't like people who get captured, ok? Just so you understand. I don't even like this game chess. Pieces get captured, reminds me of McCain. Not a hero, by the way. And if my guy loses this game, just putting it out there, this match is RIGGED. I may not accept the match results. I will keep you in suspense.
(Karjakin moves, Carlsen is now thinking)
Trump : I'm ahead! We're winning, folks, we're winning.
Clinton : Well... let's look at the facts. We're in the fog of war, so anything can happen. That last move was a response to a movie that was made, but I'm going to lean over to Chelsea sitting here beside me and whisper in her ear that it was actually an act of terrorism. That way I have a public position and a private position. (Leans over and whispers to Chelsea, who looks shocked.) Ok, now I'm going to get on my Blackberry and send an email about the move that was just made. Yes, I know we signed an agreement with the chess organizers just before coming in here that only they can transmit the moves of the game... (starts typing on her Blackberry... as she types, she looks up at the camera) ...but since nothing is marked classified at the time I am sending it, the FBI will not prosecute.... (looks with puzzlement at her Blackberry) ... Huh, I wonder what that big letter "C" means? (Puts her Blackberry away) Ok, I just wanted to mention off the top that we are watching two men playing for the world chess championship, and that there is a separate womens world chess championship for which the prizes are much, much less. I will fight for legislation that rewards the women equally for doing equal work!
Trump : (turns to the man next to him, Billy Bush) Speaking of women, Billy, where are the cheerleaders? This is like watching paint dry. Where's the scantily clad women for me to grope after the game? (He looks up at the seat above Bush and sees Rosie O'Donnell.) Not my first choice, believe me! I don't think so!
(Suddenly Trump realizes he has been heard)
Trump : It figures, they trick me into thinking the mic is not working. (Takes a deep, sniffling breath) This is the left-wing media, folks! (sniffle) This is what they do!
(Carlsen moves)
Trump : What a loser move. What is this, the Sicilian Surrender? Very passive, you can tell our opponent is a socialist. (He starts acting like a disabled man) "Agh, what do I do now? I don't remember!"
(Suddenly there is a flurry of quick moves, ending with Carlsen stopping to think)
Clinton : Actually, Donald, we have taken the game into a Kings Indian Defense, a very aggressive line for our side. This is very much like when I was in the Operations Room serving coffee-- er, I mean, helping make decisions as our special forces were closing in on.... (the following words are spoken with great flourish) "Osaaaaaaaaammmmaaaa...... binnnnnnn...... Laaaaaaaaaaaden!"
Trump : Shouldn't that be the 'Secretary of State's Libyan Defense'? As in no defense at all?
(Carlsen moves, and Karjakin replies right away, capturing a Black piece)
Trump : Look at that, African-Americans, another brother murdered. What's she doing, folks? What has she been doing for the last 30 years? Your chess army is in a shambles, you have no hope, no jobs, no education... why not give me a chance? What the hell have you got to lose?
(The chess game is briefly interrupted by a contingent of Black Lives Matter protestors, protesting the death of the defenceless black Pawn at the hands of a White Knight. Symbolism!)
Clinton : I promise we'll get to the bottom if this, but this wouldn't be happening if DONALD TRUMP HAD BEEN--
Trump : Wrong.
Clinton : PAYING FEDERAL--
Trump : Wrong.
Clinton : INCOME TAX--
Trump : Wrong.
Clinton : FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS!
Trump : It would have been squandered, folks.
Clinton : You mean, like on a fake University with a Master of Sucker degree? Or maybe on hotels for the ultra-wealthy, built with CHINESE STEEL and using UNDOCUMENTED WORKERS?
Trump : That makes me smart. In fact, I know more than the generals fighting ISIS. I'll even say I know more about winning in chess than Magnus Carlsen. It's what I do. I win. I can teach anyone about winning, believe me.
Clinton : Well.... we'd all like to see your plan for ISIS, and see you play the rest of this chess game against Magnus. But you don't HAVE a plan!
Trump : The first thing is to make sure all our pieces have pieces. That's guns, folks. She wants to eradicate the 2nd amendment, take everyone's guns away. My administration is going to put an AK-47 in every home and in every student's backpack. It would have been a different story in France if those concert-goers had all had guns, believe me.
(Magnus makes his reply, announcing check.)
Clinton : Well.... you just heard Magnus say "check", and that's what my plan involves. I'm a supporter of the 2nd amendment, but we do need background "checks", Donald.
Trump : They should have checked your background, and if they did it properly, you'd be IN JAIL! Everything from your Foundation's pay for play to your deleted emails to your dealings with the women your husband abused--
Clinton : What's the count on the number of women YOU abused?
Trump : It never happened... never happened. After the election those liars are going to be sued. And I'm going to have a special prosecutor go after you. We're going to bring back law and order.
Clinton : I've apologized for the private email server, I would not do it again, the FBI found no evidence of wrongdoing and I survived 11 hours of grilling over Benghazi. So Donald, you don't scare--
(There is a controversy on the chess board as Karjakin touches a piece, lets it go, then attempts to move another piece.)
Clinton : You see, people, right there is evidence of how dangerous Donald would be. We can't allow his finger on the nuclear button! There's no "j'adoube" when it comes to nuclear weapons!
Trump : J'adoube? What is that? My hair is REAL, if it's about that.
Clinton : Yes, Donald, everything's about you. I don't doubt your hair is real, it's what's between your ears I wonder about. (Big smile, starts her trademark cackling laughter.)
(Audience applauds)
Trump : You should be ashamed what you did to Bernie Sanders. What they just did there in the chess, making him move that piece he touched, that's what you did to Bernie. You made him sign a deal with the devil.
Clinton : Maybe you should ask Bernie why he's supporting me in this election, and calls you the most dangerous candidate in modern history.
(At the chess board, Carlsen looks almost sick as he struggles to find a winning plan. He fidgets and squirms in his chair.)
Trump : Looks like your guy just found out his new Obamacare premium.
Clinton : Actually Donald, what he just found out is how big the U.S. deficit is going to be under your tax plan.
(The chess game ends as the two players shake hands, having agreed on a 12-move draw.)
(Clinton and Trump rise from their seats, glaring at each other. The Trump family comes up to Donald, and he turns and hugs each of them in turn, while Bill and Chelsea Clinton approach Hillary and get hugs from her. Then they all turn to the camera, and say in unison: "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!")
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