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Re: THE NEW One and Only Climate Change Whatever...
CANADIAN STUDENT HOLDING IT IN FOR HUMANITY
story by Fred Fartburger
Ottawa (Reuters) -- A local graduate student in climate change studies has decided to "hold it in for humanity". Paul Beckwith, upon hearing recently of massive methane releases that are exacerbating the global warming trend that some scientists claim is going on due to man's activities, decided that he will no longer release any farts into the environment.
"It's the least I can do to save dumb ass humans," said Mr. Beckwith in an exclusive interview. He also claimed that his wife and children will likewise hold in all future farts.
As I interviewed Mr. Beckwith, I could hear in an adjacent room his wife consoling their sobbing children, who were loudly complaining of stomach aches. I heard her promise them a dinner treat at the local Taco Bell.
"Maybe," Beckwith continued, squirming in his chair, "we aren't going to make it. This is unfarted -- er, I mean, uncharted territory we are entering. No one has tried to do this before. There might be some serious health consequences. But I've been talking the talk, now I have to walk the walk, and if it does me in, I'll at least be remembered as the man who held it in for humanity."
Mr. Beckwith and his wife are also teaching their children to hold their breath for minutes at a time, to reduce their CO2 releases. In fact, this interview took several hours as Beckwith held his breath for long periods in between short phrases.
Mr. Beckwith hopes to have his family farting safely and with no environmental consequences very soon. "We're setting up a nationwide fart collection infrastructure. People will go to their local fart collection center, be fitted with canisters that will collect their releases, and those canisters will be stored for future launch to Uranus, where they will be opened up to create a very fitting atmosphere."
Meanwhile, several hundred kilometres away, Mr. Beckwith's online nemesis, Vlad Drkulec, has founded an organization he calls Freedom Farters to try and head off Beckwith's dream of strict regulations on farting.
Note: the day after this interview, firefarters -- er, firefighters were called to fight a blaze at Mr. Beckwith's home. Neighbors reported a noxious odour just before "all hell broke loose".
Originally posted by Paul Beckwith
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CANADIAN STUDENT HOLDING IT IN FOR HUMANITY
story by Fred Fartburger
Ottawa (Reuters) -- A local graduate student in climate change studies has decided to "hold it in for humanity". Paul Beckwith, upon hearing recently of massive methane releases that are exacerbating the global warming trend that some scientists claim is going on due to man's activities, decided that he will no longer release any farts into the environment.
"It's the least I can do to save dumb ass humans," said Mr. Beckwith in an exclusive interview. He also claimed that his wife and children will likewise hold in all future farts.
As I interviewed Mr. Beckwith, I could hear in an adjacent room his wife consoling their sobbing children, who were loudly complaining of stomach aches. I heard her promise them a dinner treat at the local Taco Bell.
"Maybe," Beckwith continued, squirming in his chair, "we aren't going to make it. This is unfarted -- er, I mean, uncharted territory we are entering. No one has tried to do this before. There might be some serious health consequences. But I've been talking the talk, now I have to walk the walk, and if it does me in, I'll at least be remembered as the man who held it in for humanity."
Mr. Beckwith and his wife are also teaching their children to hold their breath for minutes at a time, to reduce their CO2 releases. In fact, this interview took several hours as Beckwith held his breath for long periods in between short phrases.
Mr. Beckwith hopes to have his family farting safely and with no environmental consequences very soon. "We're setting up a nationwide fart collection infrastructure. People will go to their local fart collection center, be fitted with canisters that will collect their releases, and those canisters will be stored for future launch to Uranus, where they will be opened up to create a very fitting atmosphere."
Meanwhile, several hundred kilometres away, Mr. Beckwith's online nemesis, Vlad Drkulec, has founded an organization he calls Freedom Farters to try and head off Beckwith's dream of strict regulations on farting.
Note: the day after this interview, firefarters -- er, firefighters were called to fight a blaze at Mr. Beckwith's home. Neighbors reported a noxious odour just before "all hell broke loose".
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